Tag: loss

Safety

Drown me,

April rain,

push me under

the unbearable lightness of

wait, what if

I am enough,

gap-toothed wonder

pushed under

tight lips with words

cascading first

like tea, hot then cold,

sweet then bold

vanilla mouth full of protest


Drown me,

April rain,

in River Rat Alley,

next to soft bellies

swollen with ketchup

and white bread


wait, what if

I am full

of what could have been

and not what is happening,

no more beach bottles

and backroads

no more screenshots

and St. Augustine shells

no more garter snakes

and chocolate eggs,

midnight philosophies

and morning sex


Drown me,

April rain

push me under

the stained sheets

and tell me it was all worth it

the misplaced hope, the shower tears,

the belly laughs and COVID years

the sad song commute,

and the way I still carry

fragments of Hollywood’s imagination


Drown me,

April rain

Fill my lungs with something

lighter than loss


Fill them finally

with safety


05-01-23

0

Moon

treadmills,

racing thoughts


aware of impending loss,

hearts pump at their own pace,

but face to face

I forget to

slow

gentle

patient

in the psych ward

with grip socks

a rite of passage


you remind me of the moon,

sliver in a limitless sky,

universe you don’t share


is it me

or the certainty of an end,

good enough to pretend

finite enough to forget


Ruminating reflection

of the sea and the earth

and me,

now stuck on a memory

of collecting

cow bones

and begging the cops

to arrest that man,

faceless killer

with bones

like those I held


but they tell me to be a good girl

men always tell me to be a good girl


do not love me,

they say,

do not love me,

but stay

until you love

nothing but the moon



4/12/23

0

Open Air

when I shower

I reread us

like a bedtime story

I regret nothing

I love you now

as I have always loved you

and I love him,

the man who is

consistent and distant,

like me

always chasing

open air

he is a poem

you are a chapter

and I am exhausted

I no longer need

words of affirmation

or attention

I need nourishment

I need rest

Eventually the sky

will crack itself in two

on a stormy night

and light me on fire

when I’m not looking

but for now,

love me

and

everyone

and

no one

forever


as I love you



02-27-23

0

Messes

Did I love you

Or did I love my reflection

Fragmented/Split

I learned how to say sorry this year

I hear children are usually taught it

But I was never a child

And I never had parents

Sometimes I stay in bed

And wish for something unfamiliar

I plant flowers now

When I water them,

I remember to take a drink 

You should see the house

Linda the neighbor said it’s lovely

Linda is lovely

Still, dirt stays in my fingernails

So when I hold myself, I feel grounded

I leave messes

Because I don’t want to be clean

I don’t want anything to end

I did love you

04-10-21

0

Another

A familiar feeling

A familiar tone of voice

It’s soft and even

As you leave a message

For her to digest later,

As if it’s something she can pass

As if it’s something you’ve already chewed


“Another one?”

Yes. Another.

 

Another kid turned man,

Cigarette in hand no matter

How many times you tried to put it out

Another laugh rippling through the cosmos,

Ripping through a family like heavy wind and rain


Because even laughter is a storm

Once it’s a memory

It’s all loud and grey and uncontrollable

And no matter how many times you’ve seen it happen

No matter how many ways you saw it coming,

You’re never prepared

6-15-19

0

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