Crimson

snug between the blinds,

I peer past the harsh glow

of my nine to five,

twenty four seven

seven eleven

one twenty resting pulse,

barely audible

over the tap tap tapping

of my tired fingers

a crimson cardinal,

perched in the low brush

crimson, the color of blood

surging between my legs

before the doctor

suggests I freeze my eggs

crimson, the color of life erupting

and death forthcoming

crimson, the color of the bible at the Motel 6

carefully placed next to the remote,

carelessly flipping between soulless

portraits of them and self …

self, who is not them,

who could never be them

crimson, the color of youthful confidence

screaming pick me

in a bed of cut flowers,

still unaware of the pruning shears


crimson, the color of a cardinal

curious about the strange woodpecker

in a glass cage tap tap tapping

in search of meaning


3-14-23

0

Open Air

when I shower

I reread us

like a bedtime story

I regret nothing

I love you now

as I have always loved you

and I love him,

the man who is

consistent and distant,

like me

always chasing

open air

he is a poem

you are a chapter

and I am exhausted

I no longer need

words of affirmation

or attention

I need nourishment

I need rest

Eventually the sky

will crack itself in two

on a stormy night

and light me on fire

when I’m not looking

but for now,

love me

and

everyone

and

no one

forever


as I love you



02-27-23

0

I know

We don’t talk about it

Sometimes when you call me

I feel my childhood in my throat

But I understand now what it is

to live in the shadows

of the birds at the feeder

I built this nest

out of scraps

but it’s enough for me

I wonder what it was like

for you to build one for five

knowing it wasn’t enough

You love me now

It was always enough

01-22-23

0

Combust


This is it

We skydive into the sun

and burn with the rest of the planet

But for those few seconds

we are free-falling

and I see your

eyes locked with mine


I have never felt my blood

scorch in someone else’s veins

but you carry me like a heart

soaked in kerosene


This is where I leave you

before I combust

before I lose you


12/09/22

0

Forgiveness


Always under construction


I don’t forget what

roads I have taken

in the night, when lights

from passing cars 

strangled the fog

into misshapen dew

and blinded me with 

abstract landmarks


Forgiveness is a storm 

you feel the hairs on your arms dance

when you’re too close to the fence

you can’t stay on it forever

but you stay frozen as

winds destroy 

what’s left of your safe space


Do you want to 

build a home

or a bomb shelter



11/24/22

0

Unfettered


My dog doesn’t like jazz

He paints his disapproval 

with exasperated sighs of

oil black and egg white

I love these quiet nights

spent with brass ballads

In my mind,

my feet are swinging

through the cosmos

as time goes by

I am a hopeless romantic,

hopelessly falling back into

my own arms

I always catch me

I light the right candles

and choose the right songs

I prefer my company 

and the shadow

of a dream where

my dualistic dog

takes off running toward the pines

whenever he hears the sound of trumpets

Someday, 

I will shuffle around a hardwood floor

that I sanded myself

and remember all of the times

I denied myself a dance

because a man wouldn’t join me

Someday,

I’m going to smoke

every cigarette I once craved

and light my own house on fire 

with the feelings I smothered

for someone else’s comfort

Imagine,

Billie’s voice leaking

through wooded windows

and the silhouette of

my naked, elderly body

Finally as unfettered

and unusual 

as my naked spirit



11/14/22

0

Remember Me


In the end we are water,

moving with air,

carving our bodies into earth

Remember me,

we say,

but there is no way

to forget the shape of a river

Do you think of me when

you build dams

and wipe your hands

of the soil that made you?


I will think of you

someday,

away from false worlds

where we work like ants

under magnifying glasses

Someday,

the sun’s rays

won’t burn us,

but warm us from the porch

as we watch the horizon melt

behind the hills



11/3/22


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Violence

Superior is violent 

like the sea 

like me

Rocks aren’t as welcoming

as sand

But I stand here,

unrelenting

I am at peace

with violence

There is nothing except

a wind that rips through skin

with the promise of winter

Wolves stalk the neighbor’s cat

under a Pisces moon 

while I eavesdrop on hushed voices

At the picnic table,

a man regurgitates Hemingway–

a parrot in the land of eagles

Fireplaces and log cabins

are romantic to tourists,

but this place is a battered heart

and I know its pulse


I am at peace 

with silence


9/21/22

0

Water

There are no returns

We spend hours shaping

ourselves only to fit

somewhere else

I asked my ancestors

to send me a feather

if I should leave you

I stepped on an ant hill

in the cemetery 

and had to shake my shoes

next to a blue feather

But blue is the color of harmony

so I decided to stay,

every day harder than the last,

I grow crass and bitter

as bark on the silver maple

near the porch

where we used to laugh

You laughed today,

but it was with her

I don’t laugh anymore

you never let me with another man

so I tell you I hate

the way she makes you wheeze

I am never in on the joke

I am often the punchline-

an outward gesture of devotion,

tardy efforts to patch leaks

in a sinking ship-

I crossed state lines

and landmines

to be with you

but there were always others

I never jumped ship 

I always thought you would wake at the wheel

before letting me drown

Now I only trust water

08-15-22

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Tight Connection to His Heart

I knew I was

stationed somewhere

between another flight

and a Florida beach

but to find out

every moment is shared

with a tight connection in Philly

a broken one in Cali

and a drunk one in Australia

drains the hourglass sand

back to the gulf


we are all lost boys

looking for our mothers

some lost boys

keep looking

even when they have them


but I am the womb

I am the take off

and the final destination


there are no connections

in darkness

and I thank my sisters

for showing me the light

08/04/22


0

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