Category: Uncategorized

Safety

Drown me,

April rain,

push me under

the unbearable lightness of

wait, what if

I am enough,

gap-toothed wonder

pushed under

tight lips with words

cascading first

like tea, hot then cold,

sweet then bold

vanilla mouth full of protest


Drown me,

April rain,

in River Rat Alley,

next to soft bellies

swollen with ketchup

and white bread


wait, what if

I am full

of what could have been

and not what is happening,

no more beach bottles

and backroads

no more screenshots

and St. Augustine shells

no more garter snakes

and chocolate eggs,

midnight philosophies

and morning sex


Drown me,

April rain

push me under

the stained sheets

and tell me it was all worth it

the misplaced hope, the shower tears,

the belly laughs and COVID years

the sad song commute,

and the way I still carry

fragments of Hollywood’s imagination


Drown me,

April rain

Fill my lungs with something

lighter than loss


Fill them finally

with safety


05-01-23

0

Moon

treadmills,

racing thoughts


aware of impending loss,

hearts pump at their own pace,

but face to face

I forget to

slow

gentle

patient

in the psych ward

with grip socks

a rite of passage


you remind me of the moon,

sliver in a limitless sky,

universe you don’t share


is it me

or the certainty of an end,

good enough to pretend

finite enough to forget


Ruminating reflection

of the sea and the earth

and me,

now stuck on a memory

of collecting

cow bones

and begging the cops

to arrest that man,

faceless killer

with bones

like those I held


but they tell me to be a good girl

men always tell me to be a good girl


do not love me,

they say,

do not love me,

but stay

until you love

nothing but the moon



4/12/23

0

Crimson

snug between the blinds,

I peer past the harsh glow

of my nine to five,

twenty four seven

seven eleven

one twenty resting pulse,

barely audible

over the tap tap tapping

of my tired fingers

a crimson cardinal,

perched in the low brush

crimson, the color of blood

surging between my legs

before the doctor

suggests I freeze my eggs

crimson, the color of life erupting

and death forthcoming

crimson, the color of the bible at the Motel 6

carefully placed next to the remote,

carelessly flipping between soulless

portraits of them and self …

self, who is not them,

who could never be them

crimson, the color of youthful confidence

screaming pick me

in a bed of cut flowers,

still unaware of the pruning shears


crimson, the color of a cardinal

curious about the strange woodpecker

in a glass cage tap tap tapping

in search of meaning


3-14-23

0

Open Air

when I shower

I reread us

like a bedtime story

I regret nothing

I love you now

as I have always loved you

and I love him,

the man who is

consistent and distant,

like me

always chasing

open air

he is a poem

you are a chapter

and I am exhausted

I no longer need

words of affirmation

or attention

I need nourishment

I need rest

Eventually the sky

will crack itself in two

on a stormy night

and light me on fire

when I’m not looking

but for now,

love me

and

everyone

and

no one

forever


as I love you



02-27-23

0

I know

We don’t talk about it

Sometimes when you call me

I feel my childhood in my throat

But I understand now what it is

to live in the shadows

of the birds at the feeder

I built this nest

out of scraps

but it’s enough for me

I wonder what it was like

for you to build one for five

knowing it wasn’t enough

You love me now

It was always enough

01-22-23

0

Forgiveness


Always under construction


I don’t forget what

roads I have taken

in the night, when lights

from passing cars 

strangled the fog

into misshapen dew

and blinded me with 

abstract landmarks


Forgiveness is a storm 

you feel the hairs on your arms dance

when you’re too close to the fence

you can’t stay on it forever

but you stay frozen as

winds destroy 

what’s left of your safe space


Do you want to 

build a home

or a bomb shelter



11/24/22

0

Remember Me


In the end we are water,

moving with air,

carving our bodies into earth

Remember me,

we say,

but there is no way

to forget the shape of a river

Do you think of me when

you build dams

and wipe your hands

of the soil that made you?


I will think of you

someday,

away from false worlds

where we work like ants

under magnifying glasses

Someday,

the sun’s rays

won’t burn us,

but warm us from the porch

as we watch the horizon melt

behind the hills



11/3/22


0

Violence

Superior is violent 

like the sea 

like me

Rocks aren’t as welcoming

as sand

But I stand here,

unrelenting

I am at peace

with violence

There is nothing except

a wind that rips through skin

with the promise of winter

Wolves stalk the neighbor’s cat

under a Pisces moon 

while I eavesdrop on hushed voices

At the picnic table,

a man regurgitates Hemingway–

a parrot in the land of eagles

Fireplaces and log cabins

are romantic to tourists,

but this place is a battered heart

and I know its pulse


I am at peace 

with silence


9/21/22

0

Tight Connection to His Heart

I knew I was

stationed somewhere

between another flight

and a Florida beach

but to find out

every moment is shared

with a tight connection in Philly

a broken one in Cali

and a drunk one in Australia

drains the hourglass sand

back to the gulf


we are all lost boys

looking for our mothers

some lost boys

keep looking

even when they have them


but I am the womb

I am the take off

and the final destination


there are no connections

in darkness

and I thank my sisters

for showing me the light

08/04/22


0

Space

I am porous

I lose pieces of me 

when I forget to say

I love you,

little girl

I expect others to

fill my spaces,

like planets spinning,

synchronized in iridescence

But men are meteors

leaving debris

or, simply leaving,

in search of something

bigger

better

untouched

There’s more impact that way

Meteors are not aimless

but I have no sense of direction

I wish I was a satellite

In the end,

all that’s left 

Is empty space

Someday, I will learn to

fill it with I love you,

little girl



7-3-22

0

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